I was just journaling some thoughts that I have about leaving China, and I would like to share them with you if you'll forgive the massive block of text.
Yesterday was GuQin day. i got a late start, so I decided to do something that I rarely do. I couldn't see any regular cabs on the horizon, so I took a motorcycle taxi. I told the guy that I wanted to go to the medical college (I said 学院several times), but he thought it would be a good idea to go around BeiHu park on Children's day. As it turns out, it wasn't a good idea. Actually, I think he just had in mind that we should go to the hospital (connected to the school). I finally made it to our class, and had a good lesson. He took us out to lunch afterward before we went to Li老师's tea shop.
I felt sad about leaving in a way that I hadn't before. I was drinking tea (getting tea drunk, actually) with Li 老师, and she told us (my translation is error prone, but i'm pretty sure I got the essence) that we had taught her a lot. I think she said something about opening her understanding. I was really touched. I am pretty sure that she said that watching us and interacting with us and seeing how we treat our friends and value the things that she values has changed her view of people from the west. I am actually really blown away. I guess that God is working in our lives even though it's hard to see sometimes. My supervisor was really reassuring about this during my recent end of term conference, but it is such a blessing to have heard this. I felt really sad about leaving China then. I could have cried. I think that the reality of leaving has not sunk in. I'm not sure that it will. I feel like all of my traveling back and forth between the U.S. and here has numbed me to the reality. But I know, at least in my head, that even though I plan to come back (if God allows), it will never be the same. This has been my home for two years, and the relationships I have made are just now really feeling more solid. I could imagine a life here. I could imagine growing closer and closer to these people and living here happily. Now I have to start over. Now I have to abandon this place just like I'm leaving HunDun. What am I going to do?
How can i really say goodbye? I have no idea which of these people I'll actually see again. Now i'm going to make a whole new set of friends and build a new community. Is that fair to them? is it fair to the friends that I have now? I can hardly take care of the ones i have now. I feel like a little girl who ignorantly goes around the neighborhood collecting bugs, frogs, snakes, and mice. I collect friends and file them away on the shelves of my heart like she takes the critters home and shovels them into drawers and fish tanks. She squeezes some soft mice to death, and is so busy working on watching the tadpoles turn into frogs that she forgets to feed the lizards. When her mom comes into her bedroom, all she sees are rotting critter corpses and the soiled hands of her daughter. Is this how I'm treating my friends? Am I selfish to meet so many people and then just leave them? They are nice to have for me when it's convenient, but is that all that I can give them? In all honesty I have to wonder if I'm being fair. I'm pretty sure that traveling to a different country takes the same amount, and probably more, commitment and forethought as one should cultivate before deciding to adopt a puppy. The decision to travel needs to be mindful. I'm pretty sure that my understanding of God's power needs to expand, because I can't imagine how Jesus Christ was able to have so much compassion and energy for so many people.
